11407257_1005947806084147_6591045180620622881_n  By Comfort Mussa
Ask any lady in Cameroon the question  – What is the best gift a woman can give her husband on their wedding night?
The response you will likely hear is “Her virginity”. Yes! That’s what our mothers were taught. It’s what I learned.
While there is serious lack of relevant information about the sexuality of Cameroonian women, we have abundant information on how to prepare and present ourselves to our men. Our mothers, aunties, neighbors and even random passengers in shared taxis dish out information on how to please our men, from cooking a man’s favorite meal, taking a bath before he returns from work etc
This sex ed course teaches us the virtues of virginity but not the bliss of sex, what to expect and and how to respond.Even when women  have lost their virginity, they still approach their matrimonial bed fully prepared to be savored, because they are taught that  the man’s dinner is first course and their beautiful bodies, his dessert.
Of course there is joy in giving. But how prepared are we to receive, what do we expect to receive? We asked our readers this question and solicited their stories about their first time as a married couple and what it was really like for them.
We will share their stories with you in our series dubbed Stories From The Honey Moon Suite. Their stories run the gamut from absolutely amazing to downright disappointing.
Our first story is from Precious Meshi . Precious is a blogger at  Precious Core
Honeymoon bed. PhotoCredit - Pinterest
MY WEDDING NIGHT: Struggles within the Sheets
The moment everyone had been waiting for came. The pastor, in an enthusiastic tone, announced: “Emm, Brother Fide, it is now time for you to kiss your wife…”  My groom took a few steps towards me and planted a soft unsophisticated kiss on my lips. This was followed by a mixture of applause and screams from the audience. I eagerly waited for the sensual work that had begun to be brought to completion.
For the remaining part of the wedding, I wondered what our first would be like. I was expectant and turned my little brain into a questionnaire. I couldn’t wait to escape the crowd and have time with my beau. As the day wrapped up and we got ready to drive off, my ‘god-mother’ held my hands and took me to the front of the car where no one will interrupt us. With a smile that spoke volumes she said,

 “Today, you are going to be with a man for your first time. Make sure you are sweet in bed.”

I drove away without a discourse on what, being “sweet in bed” meant. We happily blessed our driver’s hand with a tip and walked into a three-star hotel on a silent street in Bamenda, Cameroon for a one-night honeymoon experience. The upscale interior decor was refreshing to the eyes. Various works of art garnished the walls around us. It was a pleasant sight.
The eyes of a brown-skinned receptionist at the welcome desk greeted us. As we negotiated for a room, I could only think of the three letter word that makes the world go round. The room didn’t fall short of my expectations. The red sheets on the bed spoke the language of love. It was a calm and convenient cubicle. It seemed like the perfect place for a romantic adventure.
After a quick shower, I put on my lingerie and hopped into bed, eagerly awaiting my trip to “lala land”. I knew Mr N.’s  “little man” will experience a moment of inflation. I knew he will then insert it somewhere between my legs. I knew, as a pioneer, it will hurt a little but the pleasure will far surpass the pain. What I didn’t know is that I was in for a struggle.
Like the fishermen, who became Jesus’ friends, we tolled all night but caught nothing. As our time in the hotel expired, I begged the time to linger so we could try some more but as the cliche stipulates, “time waits for nobody.”
When some family members saw us the afternoon after, dressed in matching clothes, they started ululating . Little did they know that we had not consummated the marriage.
I was totally disappointed in myself. What was I missing? How could I really be ‘sweet’ in bed? We kept trying for the next one week with the same results. Then Mr. N had to leave for work. He worked as a Marine Electrical Engineer in Equatorial Guinea and was going to be away for two long months.
The level of disappointment in myself grew. It was a mixture of confusion, uncertainty and doubt. After examining my lady parts, I concluded that there was no way a thing that big was going to go through and stay there.
I also thought I had been bewitched by some ill-meaning family member. Thoughts were running through my mind like waves in a torrent.
The over one week of trying to eat the fruit of marital goodness seemed like a wild-goose chase. The only results I had were soreness,
I wondered why a thing that novels, movies and friends said was so good had turned out so gruesome. Those had been my ‘formal’ educators on sex. When I started menstruating, my mother warned me sternly, “If a boy touches you now, you will get pregnant.” That was about all she ever told me about sex. My father? He lived his life as though sex didn’t exist. As if that’s not how he produced me. He never went near that topic. Not even in a joke.
Then my biology teacher had managed to teach about sexual intercourse when she inevitably had to cover the topic, ‘reproduction’. The reaction from the class was enough to make a coy lady quickly digress to something else. Yet, among the jeers and boos she pressed on. For the first time, I heard words like, ‘erection’, ‘penis’, ‘vagina’, and others in the sex dictionary pronounced by real lips in the open. It was a pretty rough ride for the teacher, dealing with curious teenagers but she pulled through.
My other form of sexual education was in the church where I was taught that godly principles required that I remained untouched until my wedding night. It was said that the greatest gift I could ever give my husband on our wedding night was my virginity.

Anytime the topic of sex was mentioned in a church youth gathering, there was a rehash of this same phraseology, “keep your primary or secondary virginity as a gift for your husband.”

So, on my wedding night, I matched like a queen into the hotel room with my bridal tiara still on my head as though I was going to receive a “bride of the year” trophy. But the gift I had kept as strictly instructed refused to be unraveled. Our various attempts at penetration failed. It was a night void of coitus.
It took another two months before our breakthrough came in a moment of pleasure mixed with pain. I was glad that the spell was broken. It did not however stop me from wondering if my case was anomalous.
Some months later, I had a chit-chat with a friend who shared a similar experience. She and her husband -to -be tried to unlock the gate to her womanhood but kept hitting the wall. She said she thought she needed to have surgery done in which a hole will be created for ‘it’. When I told her my experience, we laughed together.
I understand that a lot of parents, pastors and role models in the society refrain from talking to young people about sex because they do not want to stir the wrong emotions. But there are age appropriate discussions that should take place. What you will tell a 3 year old, may not be what you will tell a 13 year old or even a 30 year old.
A 3 year old may need to know that what she calls ‘pee-pee’ is actually called a vagina while a 13 year old may need to know that she is in a period called puberty and some parts of her body may be more sensitive to touch than others. But a 30 year old needs to know much more than that.
As a young Christian girl, I wish I had been taught that sex is a wonderful thing created by God. I wish I had known more about the details and nature of sexuality. I wish I knew a little more about my body so that I wouldn’t feel like I was suffering from some kind of aberration.

 The absence of knowledge is an invitation to fear.

When fear comes, it prevents women from having positive sexual experiences. Now that I know better, I will educate my daughters so that the bad side of history doesn’t repeat itself.
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We’ll like to read from you. If you want to  share your  “Story From the Honeymoon Suite”, send us an email to info@sisterspeak237.com
 
 

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22 Comments

Ngobesing Linda August 9, 2015 at 9:47 pm

WOW! this is a very interesting piece..and it felt a little embarrassing for me as I read through,of course because this is a topic which people in my Country-Cameroon would hardly talk about very openly.So many very interesting subjects have been highlighted.Hmmm…best gift for your husband,Virginity,Anxiety,church and Society,rules e.t.c…and girls are st the center!!!and for me it sounds like one of those “Aspire to Marriage dear girl lessons”some men need to share their opinion on this best gift thing though

    Mussa August 9, 2015 at 10:40 pm

    You are right Linda,we hardly discuss such issues openly and personally. Am glad we are having the conversation in this space; telling our stories, reclaiming our voices in the bedroom & beyond.

Olivette Chia August 9, 2015 at 10:19 pm

A wonderful piece, I must say. Take it or leave it men dream of marrying virgins, but how many of them are ready to wait till marriage. That puts alot of pressure on young girls aspiring for marriage nowadays.
All the same, I advocate for sex education, and most of the sex education mature girls get is from their peers which is out of their own experiences and not reliable at all. Our parents and society need to step up, many young girls are being misled because their moms can’t open up to them, as awkward as sex may sound, they should be our primary teachers and not shy away from sex like its an abomination

    Mussa August 9, 2015 at 10:37 pm

    Thank you Olivette.Hope we will grow to teach our daughters the things we wish our moms taught us.

Delpraise August 9, 2015 at 11:27 pm

Oh…did the story just end? please continue…lol this was a great piece and a lesson for all. Alot of things we ignores in the past begin to hunt us in the future…Knowledge is the key (Hosea 4:6). As you acquire knowledge for a better job and earn good money, don’t forget to learn about the MOST important which is “How to make your home a mini paradise, your husband a king and your marriage a bliss.”

    Mussa August 10, 2015 at 12:33 am

    Series continues next Sunday with Stories From the Honeymoon Suite – Part 2

Laura Asong August 10, 2015 at 5:51 am

Hi ladies, its a lovely piece indeed. I have mixed reactions towards this. It’s true that most parents don’t talk openly about sex with their children. What they eventually learn is picked up from peers or the experiences of older siblings which may not necessarily be the right picture. But over the past decade or lets say five years most girls or women don’t marry as virgins anymore. Also in the past the focus seemed to be on the girl preparing for the man and she having to be a virgin. What they all seemed to miss is that, the men were also virgins and quite inexperienced too. The disappointment was for both parties but men being who they are just wouldn’t express it. With those of us who have kids, we have to make sure we are friends with our children and then parents later. This encourages children to freely express their minds about almost anything with their parents. So that when the sex talk comes up it won’t be that embarrassing to discuss. That was my experience with my parents. I am doing the same with my kids as I will be mortified if I found out that they couldn’t approach me to talk about something as important and sensitive like this. As I said earlier, majority of girls these days lose their virginity way before marraige so should we be preparing our daughters minds differently now?

Helene M. August 10, 2015 at 12:02 pm

Hmmm,interesting read.Precious thanks for being this vulnerable,Commy thanks for the platform.Its obvious we need to make sex ed part of our lives.Delpraise me like those words.Kudos Commy!

    Mussa August 10, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    Thanks, Helene.

Betty Nalova. August 10, 2015 at 12:25 pm

Hmmmmmmm..Thanks alot Precious for this naked piece…Its a sad thing girls are not taught right n adequately at home,school or church.. However we can’t stay there.. Every growing girl who has come to this realisation should look for good books on this subject and read..It’s time for self preparation!!

Mofire Amsetou August 10, 2015 at 3:17 pm

OMG very interesting piece,very educative as well.Thanks for sharing.Cant wait for Story From the Honeymoon Suite part 2.Am sure many people are going to learn from this.

Bih Sylvia Atanga August 10, 2015 at 3:39 pm

Wow, very interesting story. Thanks for the eye opener. We must honestly be open with our kids at the right times as they grow up. Most of what i learnt about sex was from the many novels i read esp mills n boons and some of my peers. Luckily i learnt better when i started working esp on sex and reproductive and health matters. Of course i will definitely be open with my kids on this that is at the right times. As usual Commy i owe you kola. Very good read

    Mussa August 10, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    Thanks for the kola offer.Mill & Boons, the novels that first introduced us to romance. Made romance love and romance foreign concepts.We bringing it home through this series. Stay tuned for part 2 next Sunday !

Hope Timah August 10, 2015 at 5:14 pm

What a great, awesome and wonderful idea to come up with a generous share of such experiences and the perks acquired from same. It is true that as Africans we are not comfortable with the sex topic in any milieu reason why many fall prey to such experiences, As much as African men in the old preferred getting married to virgins, we can pretty much agree that the wind of change has taken a toll on the African man of today; cause i for one am 100% in support of the school of thought of marrying a non-virgin. The lady should be learned, comfy, bold and spontaneous to explore her nudity and sex life with a man without necessarily being a “common noun”
Bottom line is we all need to keep up the sex ed and try as much as possible to prepare our young men and women for the oceanic experience of pure bliss when it comes to honey moons, romance and marriage life. Thanks for this site and cant wait for Part 2

    Mussa August 10, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    Wow ! Hope , thanks for sharing. Interesting perspective

Vitalis August 10, 2015 at 11:40 pm

Great piece of writing. I have always said that young boys and girls should be given every relevant information needed for a proper understanding of their sexualty. I remember telling a group of young Christians that sex is good but comes at a later stage in life when both partners can assume the responsibilities than come with it. An elderly man cornered me and said I should rather tell them that sex is bad, so as to deter them from engaging in it. Unfortunately, those are the views that have been fuelling irresponsible and adventurous sexual encounters among youth. Conversely, I believe elder sisters with marriage experience have the responsibility to prepare the minds of their younger ones who are in the process of becoming wives. Education on this can make a great deal of difference. I say eh, come to think of it, 99% of young people today have already ‘dished out the cookies’ before the big day and know far more than their parents…need still dey for di worry skin?

    Mussa August 11, 2015 at 12:48 pm

    Hahaha Need still dey for worry skin oo

Mbeinkong Halle August 11, 2015 at 8:26 am

I really enjoyed this piece. This is a rare topic discussed in our country and even if it is done most parents turn to shy away from their responsiblity as if it were a taboo while others don’t even know what to say. I for one i believe there is much more marrital bliss for both patners getting married as virgins and a great deal of faithfulness would be felt by both patners. Parents take your responsiblity to school yourselves and train your children in the fear of God such that it won’t depart from then. It’s my responsiblity and i urge you to do same.

hilda August 11, 2015 at 4:33 pm

Very important piece. It reminded me of a story I wrote from a circumcised woman a few years ago. As she told me her story, we cried together, we laughed in-between tears and we shared a nice cup of tea after the interview. I had never felt a sisterhood so strong as I did that evening. This is about us. It’s okay to talk about ourselves. Looking forward to reading more and who knows….

    Mussa August 11, 2015 at 9:27 pm

    Thank you Hilda. Thanks for sharing your own story. I agree, this is about us !

Obia Ranndy August 13, 2015 at 1:52 pm

Great read! Many guys don’t know how to go about annexing their territories that is why it takes long for some to succeed. No matter how big the walking stick may be off-course. Anyway, Good write-up hope to read more in the coming days! Cheers

meli rostand September 3, 2015 at 3:15 pm

Very interesting and educative. Has tipped me at the right moment. Feel lucky to have friendly and curious children. This will help me act properly and help others to do same to clear the unnecessary taboo. Thank-you Comfort for this innovative platform. Keep the candle burning

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